apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
