he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
so much tequila, so little girl.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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