His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
