She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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