Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
