Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
