Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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