after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
