pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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