I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
