Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
