I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
