Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My penis needs a shock collar
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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