Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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