I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
