I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
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