He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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