you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
