i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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