Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
