and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
