She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
