Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
