there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
