Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
