I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
