Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
