the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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