I accidentally had phone sex last night
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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