bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
