I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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