Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
