you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
