wanna go halves on a baby?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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