yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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