Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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