We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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