I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
