I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
