There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
