I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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