first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
