u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
