well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
