You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
