I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
