I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
