I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
