So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
