then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
