dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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