called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
