Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
its liver damage thursday
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
