The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
